Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

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Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Sylvanaerie » Tue Jul 21, 2015 7:22 am

She has every right to ask him to alter his behavior if it bothers her. If he's into her, he will modify it. Change, as in completely drop said flirty nature, sadly I think that is too much to ask for. It's who he is. But to modify his behavior so he treats her with respect when he's with her and doesn't flirt with everything in a skirt is perfectly within the bounds of reason to ask for. Thing is, I don't think it will be that difficult for him. It's not like he sought out those girls, they came to him. He just went into 'flirty mode' when they did. That he can change.

And if she wants to pursue something with him, she needs to let him know it bothers her. Same for him, if he wants to pursue something with her, he needs to respect her feelings on this. Otherwise, buried resentments are just going to boil up and come out in the worst possible ways later.

She needs to decide what, if any of that, she can tolerate.

And seriously, "not worth changing for"?!? I just want to give Candi a big hug and tell her she is a worthwhile person! I'd love to kick her father and Alex for doing a number on her self esteem. She might be fictional, but I've known a lot of young people like her.
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby BenjaminT » Tue Jul 21, 2015 8:13 am

If Candi is too insecure to ask for what she wants, then she could really use some of Thad's good old fashioned curiosity as a next best thing.

As a friend it is totally natural to wonder about his love life. How's the dating scene going, Chris? How do you flirt like that with any and every random girl while letting the girl you're with know you're serious about her? Or do you ever HAVE serious relationships with anyone? What did you do to reassure Jess when you started wanting something more that you weren't going to break her heart down the road with any of the many interested ladies that you've returned interest to in the past? Chris, you're always so casual and light-hearted. What does it look like when you're serious about something or someone?

Obviously, I might not word these questions just like that and I wouldn't just drop them anywhere. But I'm pretty sure opportunities could present themselves where those kinds of questions could be entirely natural. Heck, watching him flirt at the coffee shop was a perfect opportunity to laugh at the situation and bring up a few legitimate questions to keep it real among friends.

And his opening up to her about Jess in the past gives an easy segue way to show concern for him and understand him better. Hey, I know you blew it off as no big deal when you mentioned that things didn't work out with Jess but I was wondering. How are things going? Have you gotten interested in anyone else like that since?

Of course I can see him immediately turning it back on Candi. "What, are you interested?" So Candi would need to be strong enough to prevent deflection.

Honestly, I think the bigger barrier is not jealousy or Chris's habit of flirting. The bigger barrier to them having a meaningful relationship is their inability to be real to each other. What kind of relationship can you have when you're too afraid to say what's on your mind? What kind of relationship can you have when any time feelings come up you turn the topic toward playful, flirty, teasing?

I think if Chris were ever able to let himself be vulnerable and help Candi believe that he really does like her (and differently from the unending throngs of fangirls) that she could probably get over or at least significantly reduce her jealousy. And if both were open and honest about wanting a relationship I think Chris is totally capable of kicking his habit of flirting or turning it into a more healthy form at the very least.

Even chicken Jon has had enough spine at moments to go a little deeper with Candi and share some real feelings without sounding like he's just joking around. I'm not sure if Candi or Chris will ever reach a point where they are just comfortable talking about whatever they think or feel. I think Candi had a much more real relationship with Alex even when she was at her most twitterpated with him.
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Fereshte » Tue Jul 21, 2015 8:15 am

Aww, poor Candi. She has no self-esteem. Granted, Alex didn't help her in that department. The problem is that Chris has no idea Candi likes him so he's not going to be altering his behavior any time soon. Candi is too afraid to tell him so unless someone intervenes, I don't see how these two are going to get on the same page. Unless Chris jokingly makes a move and he sees how Candi reacts (blushes, etc). I'm willing to bet that Chris can and will alter his behavior for Candi--it's just a matter of him knowing he should. Hurry up and figure it out, Chris! We're all waiting!!
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Attalus » Tue Jul 21, 2015 9:39 am

Sylvanaerie wrote:And seriously, "not worth changing for"?!? I just want to give Candi a big hug and tell her she is a worthwhile person! I'd love to kick her father and Alex for doing a number on her self esteem. She might be fictional, but I've known a lot of young people like her.
*gets in line*
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead,
When she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid!
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Kish » Tue Jul 21, 2015 10:14 am

Candi, that's not how it works. The big problem in your relationship with Alex was that he demanded you be what he wanted, not that he wasn't willing to change to be what you wanted. (Well, that, and Alex is utterly unappealing once you accept that what you see is what you get rather than imagining when he could be if he'd reinvent himself for you. But the point is, it will never serve you well to pursue someone who you don't like as they are based on an image of what you want them to be.)
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby PaulJones202718 » Tue Jul 21, 2015 11:43 am

Great. Alex really did a number on her, didn't he? She actually is worth the effort and should behave accordingly. Doing what she's doing means that she's gonna be alone like all the other women in her family.
This is the moment, the very instant, that we've all been waiting for/ No stupid gimmicks or Halloween tricks/ Let's get together and number our sores.
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Tandel » Tue Jul 21, 2015 12:00 pm

I don't think it's occurred to her that she actually likes him for exactly who he is. As for fidelity... she already has some data on his capacity for it. It was he who expressed the desire for something more serious with Jess. the capacities and inclinations are there, she just needs to remember.

Also get some healthier ego. That could help.
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Warrl » Tue Jul 21, 2015 12:27 pm

BenjaminT wrote:How do you flirt like that with any and every random girl while letting the girl you're with know you're serious about her? Or do you ever HAVE serious relationships with anyone?


"I've never had a really serious relationship. Jess? I knew from the beginning that it wouldn't last. I only ever wanted to be serious about one girl... and I'm still working on how (and when) to let her know I'm serious about her."

What does it look like when you're serious about something or someone?


"I'm not sure either of us is ready yet for me to show you the answer to that question."
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby rukh03 » Tue Jul 21, 2015 3:14 pm

"Not like I'm someone worth changing for..."
That is such dangerous thinking!
Because, whether someone else can or will change has nothing to do with your own worth!
I would tell Candi she is worthwhile just as she is and deserves being with someone she likes just as they are.
Not to mention that, people can't change who they are* and it's not fair to ask them to try.** Even if they can or are willing to change, relationships that begin with one person wanting the other to change don't usually go well.

*People can, in fact, change who they are. But outside of major traumatic events it is a very long and slow process and rarely results a large change.

**Habits, behaviors and etiquette are an entirely different matter. People can and do change those dramatically for the people they care about.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself; if this was just a friend and not someone I'm attracted to would that be something I would ask them to change?
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Longlivetheking » Tue Jul 21, 2015 8:37 pm

PaulJones202718 wrote:Great. Alex really did a number on her, didn't he? She actually is worth the effort and should behave accordingly. Doing what she's doing means that she's gonna be alone like all the other women in her family.


I think you're absolutely right. Alex was apparently nice enough when they first started dating, but once he'd earned her trust, he just took her for granted and treated her like crap, so she thinks that's how all of her relationships might end up, and it makes her trusting someone else incredibly difficult, and feeling like she's not worth the effort and time to care about her own emotional needs.
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby SAGG » Wed Jul 22, 2015 7:58 am

The majority of posts here seem to indicate that Chris should change for Candi, to make her feel comfortable. While I'll agree that Chris could make a change or two in terms of this flirting with the women, hey, Candi's got to change as well, like this deflated ego thing of hers. From what I understand, a relationship has to go both ways. Candi, should she pursue Chris, has to learn how to trust him. One thing going for her is that she's known Chris as a friend for quite awhile now, and should know many of his likes and dislikes. Did she have the same sort of thing like this with Alex beforehand? The big thing to me is that Chris ain't Alex. He just ain't. :lol:
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Longlivetheking » Wed Jul 22, 2015 4:24 pm

SAGG wrote:The majority of posts here seem to indicate that Chris should change for Candi, to make her feel comfortable. While I'll agree that Chris could make a change or two in terms of this flirting with the women, hey, Candi's got to change as well, like this deflated ego thing of hers. From what I understand, a relationship has to go both ways. Candi, should she pursue Chris, has to learn how to trust him. One thing going for her is that she's known Chris as a friend for quite awhile now, and should know many of his likes and dislikes. Did she have the same sort of thing like this with Alex beforehand? The big thing to me is that Chris ain't Alex. He just ain't. :lol:


Indeed, which means, maybe in a serious relationship Chris would be more willing to compromise, and y'know, consider his partner's emotional needs. UNLIKE ALEX. Not every guy will be Alex, Candi
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby Sylvanaerie » Wed Jul 22, 2015 5:25 pm

SAGG wrote:The majority of posts here seem to indicate that Chris should change for Candi, to make her feel comfortable. While I'll agree that Chris could make a change or two in terms of this flirting with the women, hey, Candi's got to change as well, like this deflated ego thing of hers. From what I understand, a relationship has to go both ways. Candi, should she pursue Chris, has to learn how to trust him. One thing going for her is that she's known Chris as a friend for quite awhile now, and should know many of his likes and dislikes. Did she have the same sort of thing like this with Alex beforehand? The big thing to me is that Chris ain't Alex. He just ain't. :lol:


Exactly. Chris can modify his behavior so he isn't disrespecting Candi (or any girl he's with) by not flirting right in front of her. If he doesn't behind her back that would be good too, but maybe baby steps at first? Flirtation doesn't mean it has to go anywhere else, and if he's just flirty which doesn't necessarily mean it has to go anywhere (I was a very flirty young person when I was younger, but all I did was flirt and mellowed after I got married), he needs to show Candi that she can trust him. Remember, Alex flirted with Linda behind Candi's back. She has a lot of trust issues, and trust will have to be earned, especially with Chris' reputation. Either real or fictional, he's perceived as a 'ladies' man' around campus.

Candi also needs to learn that she is worthwhile, and that she should speak up for herself. She owes it to herself and Chris to not just assume and passively let him get away with disrespecting her as Alex did. She already has spoken her mind to him in the past (with the nickname calling), but seems to have lost the ability to do so since she's developed a crush on him. It's a believable character development though. How many have the courage to confront someone they are newly attracted to and afraid of messing up new bonds that are forming? Hopefully she will get to relax more and be more honest with him.
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby SAGG » Thu Jul 23, 2015 2:16 am

Chris, however, probably doesn't know Candi has a crush on him. So why should he change for her? Let her tell him first, then we'll see what he will do...
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Re: Someone worth changing for 7/21/15

Postby UnstoppableTaboo » Thu Jul 23, 2015 3:33 am

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